Friday, July 17, 2009

The Lizard Law

The Lizard Law: If Mr. J is out of town one of these buggers will get in:

It never, ever, ever, ever EVER fails. So I should have predicted that, since Mr. J was out of town yesterday, that there would be one sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for me when I came down for coffee.

Sometimes they're big ones, sometimes they're baby ones. I don't know how or why they get in. But they seem to know I'm all alone here and they take advantage of my horrible, terrible, debilitating lizard phobia. Then I'm faced with chasing the thing all over the house, screaming like a maniac, spraying in with Raid (the new Natural version, which smells like clove cigarettes to me) or trying to smash it with a shoe. Or worse, staying up all night staring at walls waiting for them to jump on me or make a run across the living room. One got into Anders' room when Mr. J was in Michigan for 3 days. I spent almost the entire time trying to track it down, terrified every time I had to change a diaper. Another time Mr. J was out of town but his parents were visiting and one got into my bedroom. I promised them a steak dinner if they could get rid of it. They were up there for about 2 hours trying to scootch in out the door, but in the end gave up. I slept with one eye open waiting for it all night and then when Mr. J got home he managed to corner it in the laundry hamper -- it had been waiting for me there so that it could scare me to death when I did the laundry.

It's useless to remind me that I've lived in Florida and/or the tropics all my life. I'm sure growing up in Jamaica was were this fear started -- all the women in my family are pretty lizard-phobic too. It seems to me that people who grew up in a lovely, lizard-free Northern states are never afraid of them. I know people in Pittsburgh who think they are cute.

Next week I'll discuss my Fear of Frogs.


Anonymous said...

The kids thought of you last weekend when Ian caught a ginormous bullfrog and brought it up to the house for all of us to see. We do have lizards up here, you know. But northern lizards are polite. They don't usually come in the house.


Anonymous said...

Hate lizards. Hate frogs.
It must be just our family.