Monday, September 26, 2005


We had a pretty busy week. Besides the regular school and volunteer stuff, on Wednesday D and I also attended a cool program at Boyd Hill Nature Park, one of our favorite local parks. The program, called "Jungle Boogie," focuses on a different native animal every week and includes a story, short nature walk and a craft project. It's really neat.

On Thursday we had a bit of a car accident. I was driving down the street when one of my neighbors pulled out of the alley and ran right into the side of my car. It seemed like mostly cosmetic damage at the time, but it turns out my car wasn't drivable. Luckily my neighbor (who we're friends with) has great insurance and they had no problem getting me a rental car and taking care of towing my car to the body shop. They're supposed to have an estimate today of how long it will take to repair. I hope soon because the rental they gave me is a Pontiac Grand Prix, which is a perfectly fine car but just a wee bit flashy for me. I've never really felt that your car is a reflection of who you are, but I might change my mind if I have to drive around in a sports car for a few weeks.

So. On Friday, D suddenly spiked a fever so we spent the day resting and ended up doing the same on Saturday. M worked from home all day and I made homemade chicken noodle soup. It was my first try at homemade soup and frankly I don't think I'll ever eat canned again. It was delicious and had none of that funny, salty, tinny taste that even the best canned soups always have. M and I ate practically the whole pot on Saturday.

Inspired by my soup-er success, I went on to make homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast Sunday and a broccoli salad for a party we went to Sunday night. So now I'm kind of cooked out. Luckily my sister Debbie has invited D & I for dinner tonight so I'll have a day off from the kitchen.

The big news this week is that we're getting TiVo installed tomorrow! I never thought I'd need something like this in my life, but I saw it in action a few weeks back and it made a convert out of me. Plus M won't have to rush home from work on Wednesdays to watch "Lost." After this my last big technical challenge is converting everything to wireless, and if you think it takes a long time to roll this kind of stuff out at work, try doing it with a three-year-old interrupting you every 20 seconds.

Friday, September 16, 2005

In the midnight hour

M comes home from Kosovo today. His part of the project has wrapped up although it looks like it will be another year before the UN pulls out. Maybe they can use that time to pin down exactly how the Kosovars expect to support themselves once they are independent.

I've not been sleeping well, staying up far too late. In part because I can't calm my brain down enough to get a good night's sleep and in part because the cable channels have been showing Titanic a couple times a week and really, I just can't get enough of that movie. I have no idea why I haven't bought the DVD yet, but if it's on TV I can't resist watching and hoping - again and again - that Jack makes it out alive and he and Rose live happily ever after. (For the two or three people out there who haven't seen it AND coincidentally stumble on this blog: sorry for giving away the ending.) Anyhoo, the movie clocks in at three hours and change and tends to start around 11:00 pm so, you do the math, but generally it means I'm up until 2:00 watching the ship go down. Even after seeing it dozens of times, I still cry a bit during the "Jack! I'm flying!" part and when Rose can't wake Jack up at the end and when Celine starts singing at the credits. But at least I'm not thinking about my own misery during all this so for me the movie has fulfilled it's promise of Escapist Entertainment. But now that M's home I may have to switch to something a wee more highbrow, or at the very least something we haven't seen before.

For me, working through the grief and loss of the baby has resulted in my trying to stay very busy, which it turns out isn't that hard to do with a three-year-old in the house, especially since her school requires volunteer hours. I've signed up for a couple classroom projects and I'm in charge of their Valentine's Day party (OK, that's February but I'm thinking about it now!). Also I'm working on Teacher Appreciation Week, there's the school Silent Auction in October, field trips, etc. Then we've got our neighborhood playgroup, which has been so supportive of our family during all this. Plus I'm still in the Junior League and between committees and monthly meetings (which start again this month), it's that time of the year where I start wondering if I should buy a PDA and get myself organized instead of wandering around town with random dates and times scribbled on the backs of whatever loose paper I find in my purse.

Life does go on, whether you like it or not.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


(Warning: Graphic details ahead!)

Has it really been two weeks since my last post? Seems like two days with everything that has been going on. Our week in North Carolina turned into an exercise in grief and loss. First D and I had to cut short our visit in Atlanta to stay ahead of any hurricane Katrina-related storms. Then Tuesday we weathered through a day with no power, no water at my in-laws house as the remnants of Katrina blew through. When the power did come back on, it was almost as if we were glued to the TV unable to turn away from the horrible devastation on the Gulf Coast. One day with no power, no water a small penance for what was happening there.

The loss got personal on Wednesday however. Mid-morning I started bleeding a little bit and when it didn't stop even after I lay down for awhile, I called my OB in St. Pete and he said I needed to go to the ER. Where, to my horror and disbelief, I found out that I was miscarrying our precious baby. Loss and grief don't even begin to describe what I felt and am still feeling. I called M who made arrangements to fly up a day early on Thursday to be with us. The ER doctor at Haywood Regional Medical Center was very compassionate and wisely made arrangements for me to see a local OB in the morning just to confirm what was happening. Unfortunately, the next morning (Thursday) I woke up feeling like I was in labor. The cramping/contractions were so severe I couldn't stand up. By the time my MIL got me to the OB I was bleeding heavily and couldn't really walk. So I ended up having emergency surgery - a D&C - under general anesthesia. With M not there. With D in the waiting room with my MIL. With me crushed under a black hole of loss and sadness.

Even after seeing my own OB back here in town and being reassured that it was just "one of those things" and we could try again as soon as we wanted to and yes, my age (almost 39) is a risk factor, but only in the 20-30% range since I already have a healthy baby, I wake up every morning not really comprehending that I'm NOT pregnant, that it really did happen. And have to cope with the fear that it could happen again. The one beautiful thing is D, who I am so grateful for. I can't imagine what it would be like not to have a child to hold during all of this and my heart breaks for women who miscarry on their first pregnancies, or who may have miscarried several times, or who may be waking up every morning wondering if they'll ever be able to carry a baby of their own.

I am fortunate to have two close friends who have been through miscarriages who understand how it feels and the emptiness you feel. They reassure me that it's OK, really, to feel like you're not over it yet. I wake up in the morning thinking, it's been two weeks (exactly two weeks today) and I'm still sad and depressed. I'm not over it. Is that OK? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? No, I guess not. I am surprised at how many other women that I know have said that they also had one (and in a lot of cases, gone on to have more children!). It really is just something that we (as women) don't talk about. I don't like talking about it because the grief and fear is so personal and overwhelming that I ache and could just cry and cry all day thinking about it.

So, we are trying to resume our normally scheduled programming of preschool and playdates and parties and grocery shopping. We eat our meals, although sometimes a bit later than usual, and we walk the dog and I email my friends. I think it's called getting back to normal.