It has been a highly stressful last few weeks, manifested mainly in my marked increase in caffeine consumption. We're talking three cups of coffee in the a.m. and at least two Diet Cokes a day. When less than 4 months ago I was still in "nursing mode" and only drinking 1/2 cup of coffee in the morning.
Why? Well, besides dealing with the gloriously entertaining monotony of being a full-time mom to a one-year-old, and the never ending battle to stay organized, and the ENORMOUS stream of paperwork generated by having one (just ONE!) kid in kindergarten, we have the ongoing stress of the great "move or renovate" debate, now entering it's third year. It seems impossible that M and I have been talking about this subject for that many years without ever coming to a single decision, a plan of action, or simple resolution. Can it really be that difficult?! Shouldn't be, since I'm a fairly decisive person and M, as an attorney, makes educated, researched decisions for his living. But no. We're still crammed into our beautiful, tiny house endlessly discussing what to do next. It's as boring and pointless as it sounds, folks. Both of us, and probably D too, can trot out a whole list of pros and cons and interest rates and names of builders and designers and ideas, but to act on any of this information? Nope. Seems impossible.
Why? Well, M's been insanely busy, travelling, trials, lots of work pressure. I spend my days chasing after A and trying to cram a full days worth of chores into the 90 minutes he naps in the morning. Then we have swim lessons, tennis lessons, meals to make.... I don't know why I'm so busy, I just am. I long, yearn, pray for the day when they are both in school (even just part-time) so that I have a couple of uninterrupted hours a day. I wonder sometimes if this "at home" mom thing is the right thing for me. I lack the certain amount of patience and tolerance for disorganization that (I think) would enable me to function more calmly. I get quite testy when asked to guess, for the 4000th time, what kind of baby animal D is pretending to be, and yes, honey I love that picture your making. What's that? A bunch of flying hearts? No? Ohhh, of course, they're baby stingrays! I'm irritated by having toys, books and balls hurled at me all day long. Now, some of the toys have started making noises all on their own... a car & truck puzzle that makes its ambulance noise in the morning and the Fisher Price kitchen will mysteriously starting burbling and dinging away at night. Sometimes, by the time everyone has been fed, and dinner is cleaned up, and lunches and snacks have been made, and the coffee is set for the morning it's after 10:00. Does that seem late to you? No? Then you must be under 30, because that seems late to me! I hate to complain because I asked for and chose this life and I am blessed to be able to concentrate fully on the kids and not have to work outside of the house. And, when all is said and done, I crawl into bed exhausted, but happy. So maybe that is why no decisions are being made and why we continue to live all smushed happily into our little house.
I really need a vacation.